To Be or Not To Be?

Here I am again, asking the same old questions. To be fit, or not to be fit, that is the question. You would think the answer would be obvious, but saying and doing are 2 different things.
Status Update:
-So, after my busy May post, I really got out of the groove. I just plain quit working out. I've never been any good at working out in the summer months - too much to do. Life is too busy. I put back on 20 lbs. I kept telling myself - I need to get back to the gym, need to start eating better, but alas, nothing changing.
-My dad came into town to stay. Then he passed away sooner than expected. Big transition there, lots of emotions to deal with. I could write a whole post on how his health affected mine, and how his health was an example to me of what not to do. I don't want to die when I'm 67.
-Work has been busy.
-Side business has been busy.
-School started again. I really did not expect that I would repeat every grade 4X during my adult life. Did I mention I hate homework.
-I'm the fat ref. I wanted to be in better shape for the Fall season, but that obviously didn't happen. So, for the moment, I'm the fat ref. I hate it. I could do so much of a better job if I were just in better shape. Still 2 - 3 weeks left of this season. Not much will change about my physique in that time. The hope is for a better showing next spring.
-Part of my problem is my achilles heel - and I'm not talking donuts. I have a big ol' bone spur on my heel, and it is raising holy heck with my achilles tendon. The pain is such that I'm walking with a slight limp, and I need to get it fixed. I'm going to try an 'in-office' procedure in a few weeks, and see if that helps. If not, then it's foot surgery to remove the spur.

So, why 'to be or not to be'? I have a buddy who is big into weight loss contests, and always organizing them. There was one over the month of August - and I failed miserably at that one. Another one starts tomorrow. It goes for about 5 weeks. It's only $25 to enter. I don't know if I have the umph to enter. Ideally, I should. I need something to get me going. How do you change, when you know what the right thing to do is, but you don't feel like doing it.

Super

Will this madness called May never end? I absolutely hate and love this month at the same time. It's great, it has Mother's Day in it, and my wonderful wife's birthday, and my little brother's birthday, and we even get a holiday. It also contains lots of school things going on, performances, and lots and lots of baseball games, soccer games and the like. It is a very, very busy month. To add on top of that, I'm a guy who can't say no. Can you ref 5 soccer games this week? Sure! Can you get this major construction project done? And my project, and my project, oh, and mine too? All to which I gladly say YES! AM I NUTS???? No, just sleep deprived.

So, I managed 1 day of working out last week. It was with a trainer, and it was great. I was sore for 2 days - and that was only the result of doing an introductory workout with him for 15-20 min. (Yes, I've got a long way to go). But, did I mention that I Ref'd 5 games last week. A double header on Wednesday, a double header on Thursday and a single game on Saturday. I also ran the Deak's Run for Hope 5k on Saturday (more about that in another post). I spent Sunday trying to recover.

Anyway, I ended up being down 2lbs on Friday's weigh in, and I'm heading in the right direction again. I decided to sign up for 6 sessions with the trainer at my gym. So, starting this morning, I'll be working with him once a week for 6 weeks. I think this is what I need to kick my butt into gear and keep going. He had me doing chest/shoulder super-sets this morning. It was killer. My arms and shoulders feel like jelly today. Good workout though. I'm a little embarrassed about how weak I am, but I can't get stronger unless I put the work in. And he pushes me in a way that I won't push myself. I will almost never lift to failure on my own, but when he is working with me, I can do that and gain the benefit of pushing my muscles to the limit. Now I just have to keep going. These last 2-3 weeks of May look killer busy on the schedule. I still have to find time for me, and to work out, and to eat right.

I'm no superman yet, but I'm working on it.

Catching up

Crazy. That's the word for it. I've been meaning to do blog entries for the last two weeks, but each Friday (weigh-in day) has found me busy going and doing something else. Truth in blogging moment here: I am a thief. Truth be known, I write my blog from my desk at work each Friday, like I'm doing now. I try to wait till lunch time, but I don't always do that. Technically, it is stealing and I really need to quit doing it. Anywho, I've been busy, but there has been a lot to say, so here are the bullet points:
-On April 22, I weighed in, and I had lost 2 more pounds. Yeah me. But, I was still disappointed, because my sis and I had a 'no sugar' bet going on for the week prior. I won. Again, yeah me, and she owed me $30. I can have will power, but only for a week at a time. The disappointing part was that I had hoped to do better because I wasn't cheating.
-That week showed me how often I reach for sugar. I think I've been fooling myself thinking I was following some sort of eating plan.
-I think it's a combo of the calories and what you eat (carbs, proteins, fats, etc). I think you have to watch both.
-The following week I didn't work out at all, except for 1 day, Friday. And I ref'd a game Wed night. That's it. Boo!
-On Friday, April 29, I gained back those 2 lbs I lost. Dammit! But ya know, I didn't work out, and sugar came back into my life, because our bet was done on Easter. Did I mention that I really like sugar?
-Later that day I got on a plane and went to San Francisco with my mom. Fun trip. Great time seeing the city. Great food. Too much of it in fact.
-Downer moment. Had to ask for a seat belt extension on the return flight. I got by without it on the way there, but my seat was different on the way home, and while I could get the regular belt latched, it was uncomfortable. Dammit! Reality check!!! That, right there, let's me know that I have a way's to go still. Did I mention I hate being fat?
-Good moment. Mom to me "you need new jeans, those are too big on you". I know mom, but I like comfy, but thanks for noticing.
-Downer moment. Looking at my pictures from the trip when I got home. Unfortunately, I had to snap a few with me in them. I still look way fat. The oversize jeans didn't help. This is why I avoid pictures of me like Osama Bin Laden avoids capture. But again, reality check and motivation.
-Good moment. Those pants I bought a few weeks ago (when I wanted to get into a smaller size, but found the whole thing very uncomfortable to wear them one evening), well I'm wearing them today. They aren't my baggy, comfortable ones, but they fit. Yeah me.
-As I said, lots going on. Work and kids games, and more work, and the yard. Springtime is busy. Maybe that's why I always do well in the winter, and the spring and summer kill me.

Sometimes I feel like this guy.

But I'm sticking with it.

Capable of so much more....

These are words that I've always dreaded. Growing up, there were always reminders of the fact that I had all the gifts and tools to do great things, but I always seemed to fall short.
-I'm a smart dude, but I pulled very average grades.
-I am/was 6'4", and big and strong, but was a very mediocre HS athlete.
-I am a friendly person, and get along well with others, but I don't seem to be a great leader.
-I am a decent engineer with good creative intuition and instincts, but I'm not world class.
-I make decent money, but I live in a small house, and I'm not really getting ahead.

Potential vs. reality.

A lot of this has to do with work ethic. In some ways, I am a hard worker, but I know that I am very lazy too. I totally admire people that have a strong work ethic. They are the people that seem to succeed in life, they are the ones that set goals and achieve them, they are the ones who take every ounce of talent that they've been given, and couple it with hard work, sweat and determination to get the very most out of life. They give it their all, and are not afraid of failure. They don't just get by, they get ahead.

How does one change their work ethic? I don't think its by blogging about it. Is it God given, or is learned? Does it have to be taught or instilled by a parent, or can it be self taught as an adult. To be honest, I'm not totally sure. I don't even know if it can be changed. But, I am going to try and find out.

So, why this thought, this week. Well, cuz it was another mediocre week, a week that could have been so much more. Another week where I did lose weight, but I was not on my game, and my eating sucked, and the results could have been so much better. It is a balancing act. It's tax time. Lot's going on with kid's baseball and soccer. I've starting refereeing soccer. Work is busy and stressful. There's a lot going on. Yet, all of these factors didn't make me eat a blueberry muffin today. Some of them may have made me miss a workout or two. The thing is, I still see the whole situation as something that I can manage, its fixable. The major question is, if not now, when?

As I mentioned, I ref'd my first ever soccer matches this week. It was bad and good.
The bad: It was cold, windy, raining, sleet and a little bit of snow. The field was a a big patch of 3 inch deep mud, and wide pools of standing water. By the end, I couldn't tell that I had black shoes and socks on, because I as brown from the knee down.

The good: I think I did a good job. I only had a couple of calls questioned, and the games went well. And in the end, I had a coach tell me "it' nice to have a ref who knows what they are doing". I pride myself on knowing the game. I know that I have a ton to learn about ref'ing, but I'm excited to learn. I know, I'm a geek. The other part of the good is the fact that it gets me out there running around a bit. Extra movement and calorie burn is always a good thing. And it provides a bit of motivation too. My uniform is a bit snug, and I just don't want that. I also want to be able to move around a bit better on the field. I don't want to be the ref that the players complain about because he is always out of position to make the right call.


My head is still in a good place. I know I can do better. I'm working toward that.

Current Weight: 347 lbs. <> 2 lbs lost this week <> 43 lbs overall in 15 weeks.
Current BF%: 37.4 <> Down 0.1 this week. <> Down 4.3% in 15 weeks.

Ch ch ch changes

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

It's the chorus from the song by the same name by David Bowie. It's a subject that I've been thinking a bit about lately. Changes in life are difficult, and people generally don't like to change. I know I don't like to. Keep an even keel, and keep the ship on coarse, and all is well. Yet, we find things in our lives that we are not satisfied with, things that could be better, but they require the "c" word, change. Change is often likened to eating an elephant, a task so large, and so daunting that most don't even want to consider attempting it.
If you think about the elephant differently, a bunch of small meals instead of one large, large feast that would be impossible to finish in one sitting, the task seems more obtainable. And that addresses another issue, time. You see, change takes time, and we live in a society of of instant gratification. Change takes too long for most. So, true change takes time, long term focus and dedication. You have to view it that way. Small steps, over time, making a difference in the overall change.

Weight loss is a giant elephant for me. I ate most of him once over 9 months in 2008. I didn't eat all of him, but I ate 140 lbs of him. Trouble is, he came back. That elephant is really pesky, and I don't like him much, but I have to deal with him. If I want him to go away forever, I've got to quit doing the things that keep him coming around. He likes it when I eat fast food. He likes it when I don't work out very hard, or not at all. He likes it when I buy muffins at Costco, claiming they are for the family. That elephant really needs to go for good. He stinks, breaks stuff and I don't like having him around.

I guess I've just been thinking about the process this week. The motivation, the daily changes, the perspective, the ups, the downs. I feel like I'm in a good place right now in my journey. I'm feeling stronger all the time. My fitness level is getting better. I did an hour on the elliptical yesterday at a 150 bpm heart rate. Am I perfect? Not even close. I ate cheat food at least once a day for the past week. Eating right is a major deal for me. I know that I have to keep working on it. I know that I have to break down this elephant into smaller pieces. Why do I eat foods I shouldn't? I've got to break in down into smaller bites or battles, battles that I can win.

All that being said, I lost that 1 pound I gained last week, and a little more. I'm not perfect, but I keep going. This whole thing is a process, a journey. Keep the perspective, and keep up the effort.

Turn and face the strain....

Current Weight: 349 <> Down 2.5 lbs from last week. 41 lbs overall in 14 weeks.
Current Body Fat%: 37.5 <> Down 0.3 from last week. 4.2 overall in 14 weeks.

Stuff I learned this weekend

Me getting back after my 'run'

1) I am not near as in shape as I think I am. We went to our cabin in the mountains this weekend, and I thought I'd be a good boy and get my workout in on Saturday by doing a little jogging. If you follow the main road from the end of our driveway to a a dead end gate, it is exactly 1 mile. I thought I'd do an out and back. Now, this route, does have a few elevation changes. It about killed me. It was about 45 deg outside, w/ snow and slightly muddy roads. I did ok, but it took me 32 minutes to do those 2 miles. I was a little bummed about that. I've done that route quicker in the past. I was also pretty sore. The treadmill is very forgiving. Oh well, reality check.
2) Being frugal doesn't usually mean comfortable. I bought a pair of pants on Thursday that were 1 size below what I am wearing right now. My thought was, if I am going to lose weight, why not get a pair that I will grow (down) into. I fit into them, but the waist was tight. I went to a function Saturday night wearing them. Ugh! Most uncomfortable 2 hours of my entire weekend.
3) I set up my workout for April. Change is always a good thing.
4) Calories in vs calories out. This may deserve its own post later, but a conversation I had with my bro-in-law got me thinking about how this little cornerstone of the weight loss world may not be totally true - or at least may not be bound in good scientific theory.

Well, back at it for another week. Need to lose that pound I gained last week, and a few of his friends too.

No joke!

I hate April Fools Day. I'm just not a prankster, and I don't like deception, even if it is just for fun.

I wonder if my scale knows that it's April Fools Day? It must, cuz it said I gained 1 pound this week. I'm hating that, but it is what it is. I'm disappointed, but not depressed. It just makes me resolve to do better at watching what I eat, and giving more time and effort at the gym.
It's about the journey and the change, not 1 week's result.